Wordless Wednesday: Where Willy Went

My two bookworms

iBean, at 6 months, is just as in love with books as her oldest brother was.  Keesadilla likes books, but has never been as enamoured with them as Sashimi and her.

Tony came home from the library last week with a new book: Where Willy Went: The BIG Story of a Little Sperm. I thought it was a joke, but it isn’t.  Honestly, it is a great book for kids around Sashimi’s age who cannot stop asking questions and want the real deal, not some story about a stork or a cabbage patch.  Sashimi already knows about sperm and eggs and how the whole thing works, so this book did not really add anything other than great humour and funny pictures.  But we have read it at least once a day since we borrowed it just the same 🙂

**I realize this is NOT wordless, as the title claims it to be. FAIL! but I had too many people ask me about this book to leave you hanging.  Sorry for the Epic Fail.

My not-so-secret guilty pleasure

I love Twilight.

Yes, I am a mom. Yes, I am in my late 20s. Yes, I have better, more productive, things that I could be doing. But I’d rather be reading Twilight. The whole saga.  I have read it twice in the last 6 months.  I will probably read it again.

Here is the other secret: I am not alone. There are many of us, mothers, who love Twilight, who love Edward, who love Jacob. There are even maternity shirts to prove it.
Seeing how the premise for these books is so cheesy and rooted in vicariously satisfying our insane teenage romantic angst, one may wonder why there are so many moms who love it to the point of plopping their kids in front of the TV so that they can read just ONE MORE CHAPTER,  and then sleep on Edward pillowcases while their husband snores away next to them.

Why do moms love Edward?

1. Edward is perfect. Every woman loves a broody, dangerous man, a man that hints at adventure, but wants to protect you and not let you into his world for fear of corrupting you. That is Edward. Corrupting without intending to corrupt.
2. Edward is 17. Forever. Seventeen. Wouldn’t we all like to be sleeping with a 17-year old forever?
3. Edward wants to protect your virtue. How many 17 year old guys wanted to protect mine? None. That’s how many. Not that I was giving it away, but there were enough that wanted to steal it and run away to Fiji and bury it in volcanic ash so that I could never find it again.
4. Edward sparkles. Everyone likes sparkles. Especially moms who can admire the brilliance of it without having to vacuum it up for months afterward.
5. Edward is ok with you having guy friends, even ones you are potentially in love with but don’t know it yet. This may be seen as pure stupidity from Edward’s perspective, but not really. When one guy is jealous and the other is kindly and gently waiting for you in the wings, who do you run to? The sparkly one. Who will be 17 forever.
6. Edward plays the piano and writes his own music. He can serenade you anytime you want with your OWN lullaby, written just for you. And if you drag your piano outside, he’ll sparkle while he plays.
7. In the midst of global warming, Edward is natural and free AC.
8. Since vampires don’t sleep and have extraordinary speed, he could clean your house for you while you sleep and get your beauty rest.
9. Dude is loaded. Not that I am a gold digger or anything.

Jacob has his good points, too.

1. Jacob has a nice complexion, so no need to sunscreen him up every 30 minutes when playing outside.
2. Jacob is so tall you will never need a stool to reach for things in the cupboard anymore
3. Jacob can keep dogs and cats from digging up your flower beds.
4. Jacob is super hot – temperature, that is. As a female who is habitually cold, this appeals to me. And this would save on rising energy costs.
5. Jacob will grow out OR cut his hair for you. It’s all a matter of preference.
6. You could have a baby with Jacob without it trying to eat its way out of your womb and breaking your spine during delivery.
7. Jacob will grow old with you and will eventually die of natural causes.

Either way, moms love Twilight. So much so that you can now buy your own bite-sized Edward to keep on your nightstand. Or to bite at your own leisure. He could sure bite me anytime…

**And many thanks for my dear husband who feeds my addiction by buying me said action figure. Did I mention it sparkles?  Just saying…

I’m as shocked as you are

I read a book.

An entire book.  With no illustrations or references to a singing backpack, fire trucks, construction equipment or Sir Topham Hat.

The book had over 200 pages and a TON of footnotes.

And I read it in under a week.

As the mother of a 22 month old and 8 week old, I think you should be impressed.

Want to know what I read?  Go here!

Jonathan Rhys Meyers could behead me anytime

As a good politically aware Canadian girl, I watch the Rick Mercer Report religiously.  The dude rocks.  Although I am slightly disappointed, as I am sure many are, that he plays for the other team.  But I digress.

After RMR, there are always sultry, intriguing previews for The Tudors. Jonathan Rhys Meyers is Henry VIII? Man, if only the pompous lusty royal really looked like that!  He could behead me anytime!  I really wanted to watch the show, but it is all sequential, and I had already missed the first 5 episodes.  What’s a poor maiden to do?

Hello, my good friend, BitTorrent. Within one night, I had all 10 episodes at my disposal, ready to indulge in the royal fantasy.  And indulge I did.  It has me completely hooked.  Not only on his Highness’s bod, but on the actual history itself.  I have the encyclopedia out, wikipedia is open on my laptop, and I am researching until my eyes can’t focus on his lovely face anymore.

In fact, my research led me to a trailer for The Other Boleyn Girl, which led me here and then here, which led me to the library to get a copy of this book, which I am devouring like leftover Halloween treats..  I am indeed addicted.  I may have to seek some sort of 12 step program once the show ends and I have finished all of Gregory’s books.  Alas, I cannot bear to think of it: the pain is too great…

MIA

Not dead.  Just reading Harry Potter. On page 200 or so.  Reading is slower now that must entertain 11-month old.  Will be back when done.

Don’t post any spoilers!! This means YOU!

The Gospel…with some dumbfucks thrown in for good measure

I will preface this post with the following: I am Roman Catholic. I have a minor in religious studies, and I have a lot of background in church ministries.

Now, I will tell you this:

Read Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal

I have never actually laughed out loud while reading something, despite the ubiquitous use of the LOL and LMAO in my comments of blogs. While reading this book, I laughed so loud that I snorted my tea through my nose to stifle the sound so as not to wake the little dude in the next room.

It is a highly irreverent look at the missing years in Christ’s life, namely from birth to age 30, as told by Jesus’ best friend, Levi aka Biff. Making matters more LOLable, Biff has the gift of tongues, which enables him to tell the story using today’s language and linguistic idioms – hence the use of the word dumbfuck, asswipe, and so on. If you ever imagined how bunnies came to be associated with Easter, it’s in this book. Don’t know where sarcasm was born? Read this book. What about Judo? Here it is. What would it have been like if Jesus did martial arts? Take a gander into the pages. This book does not really touch on any of the gospel stories, rather a speculative behind-the-scenes look at Jesus’ life. A “Making-Of” featurette that could appear on the bonus disc of the Bible’s DVD companion, if you will.

The first question people ask when I talk about this book is “Is Jesus married in it? He doesn’t sin, does he?” Not to spoil anything, but no, the author maintains Jesus’ integrity as the Messiah in that sense. What he also shows, however, is an imaginary view of what Jesus would have been like “off the record.” And he seems like he would have known how to have a good time.

Any one else read this book? What did you think?

Sometimes I like to curl up in a ball

A mother is a lot like the little wombat

Sometimes I like to curl up in a ball

So no one can see me, because I’m so small

Sometimes I like to jump as high as I can

Spreading my wings to soar above the sand

Sometimes I like to scream ever so loud

Trying to escape this madness and praying to be found

Sometimes I seem to just walk round and round

I cannot move forward, my soul firmly planted in the ground

Sometimes I wish I could stand as still as a tree

Without anyone climbing, crying, flailing on me

Sometimes I know I should just hold my tongue

And appreciate the support that I get from the one that I love

Sometimes I let things get into a real mess

Not knowing what to do, burying my head in my chest

Sometimes I wish I could run ever so fast

Away from the pressure, the worry, the daunting task

But when the day ends and the sun starts to fall

Then I remember why I do it at all

I look into his eyes, so full for one so small

And I cuddle him close to my heart

As we curl up in a ball

**As I read Sacha’s favourite book for the umpteenth time tonight, I found myself rewriting it in my head. This is what came of it.