My first prenatal visit for this pregnancy was today. I was excited to hear the heartbeat and find out how much weight I have gained. Well, not so much about that, but wanting to know how bad it was (9 lbs in the first trimester). Sacha wanted to come so that he could hear the heartbeat, although he was convinced he was going to get to see a picture.
So Tony and him waited in anticipation as the doctor tried to find the heartbeat. Waited, and waited, and waited.
The doctor could not find a heartbeat, so they sent me to have an ultrasound. I could tell by the visuals on the screen that there was no heartbeat. That we had lost this baby. My doctor then came to talk to Tony and I directly and told us that there was no heartbeat, and that it had been twins. The twins had died at 8 weeks, and I am sitting here at 11 weeks 5 days. He was very compassionate, describing what we needed to do next, since my body was obviously not going to miscarry on its own. All the while, I feel numb. And horribly guilty.
Guilty for saying that I didn’t want twins, that I was terrified of having twins, that it would be bad. As though I somehow caused this to happen. I keep trying to tell myself that this is not my fault, but I can’t help feeling guilty over it.
I am sorry I said I didn’t want you. I did. I do. And now I will never know you.
I am so sorry.