Sorry Times 2

My first prenatal visit for this pregnancy was today.  I was excited to hear the heartbeat and find out how much weight I have gained.  Well, not so much about that, but wanting to know how bad it was (9 lbs in the first trimester).  Sacha wanted to come so that he could hear the heartbeat, although he was convinced he was going to get to see a picture.

So Tony and him waited in anticipation as the doctor tried to find the heartbeat.  Waited, and waited, and waited.

The doctor could not find a heartbeat, so they sent me to have an ultrasound.  I could tell by the visuals on the screen that there was no heartbeat.  That we had lost this baby.  My doctor then came to talk to Tony and I directly and told us that there was no heartbeat, and that it had been twins.  The twins had died at 8 weeks, and I am sitting here at 11 weeks 5 days.  He was very compassionate, describing what we needed to do next, since my body was obviously not going to miscarry on its own.  All the while, I feel numb.  And horribly guilty.

Guilty for saying that I didn’t want twins, that I was terrified of having twins, that it would be bad.  As though I somehow caused this to happen.  I keep trying to tell myself that this is not my fault, but I can’t help feeling guilty over it.

I am sorry I said I didn’t want you.  I did.  I do.  And now I will never know you.

I am so sorry.

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4 thoughts on “Sorry Times 2

  1. There are three others who need to be considered about what happened and choice. God. And the twins. And it had nothing to do with what your thoughts were. Thoughts are only that…sometimes they are said just to be lost on the wind. This story was already made long before the thoughts even came to your mind. And you are still loved, Sarah.

  2. Statistics warn people about this. That no one is immune. It could happen to anyone.
    And for some reason this time I just had a fearful feeling. One that I didn’t have with the other two. Though I never even anticipated the double heartache.
    To me you are perfect. The best mother, wife, sister, daughter. Everything I wish I was and hope to be. Every way I fall short I get inspiration from you.
    And now. I can’t imagine how you feel. The irrational guilt you’ve rationalized.
    It’s impossible to think of what to say. What to do. What magic hug I can devise to take away all your tears. How do you take care of your big sister? How do you baby someone who sees YOU as the baby?
    I just wish somehow my broken heart could heal yours.

  3. Oh Sarah. I’m so sorry. I want to say I know how you feel, but I’m sure it’s never the same for anyone.
    This is my anonymous blog so please don’t link it to me if, but I had 2 miscarriages this last year and the first one I never told anyone, but my husband about. The second post on the home page is that. The top post was written literally a week before I miscarried again, at 7 weeks, after we had told everyone.
    http://2heartsandababy.blogspot.com/

    I wish I could do more for you, but just know that I’m here for you, thinking and praying for you.

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