I have always known that having a son would be a whole new world for me. Boys are smelly, often dirty, they break things just to get a reaction, and then there are the teen years: at this point, their brains go on sabbatical and leave their penises in charge. Eventually, Brain returns and it job-shares with Penis, making men reasonable human beings half of the time. Some of the time. For a few minutes out of the day.
I didn’t realize, however, that the obsession with Penis began so early. Sacha has grave and continual concern for Penis. As soon as the diaper comes off, he has to hold it for fear that it will fall off or transplant itself onto our jealous neutered cat. In fact, Penis has become a being in its own right, as Sacha feels it entirely necessary to wave “bye bye” to Penis whenever I re-diaper him. He also has grave concern for his daddy’s penis, as though he thinks that maybe, just maybe, his own Penis fell off and transplanted itself to daddy, in which case, it also deserves a “bye bye” salute.
At the tender age of 16 months, Penis has already started edging out Brain. Yesterday, as I read to Sacha, he pointed to a bunny in the book. As Sacha is prone to do, he then pointed and mumbled about another bunny, presumably in our house. We do not own a bunny, nor any other bunny type toys. He was insistent, however, that this other bunny existed, and led me to our bookshelf where, lo and behold, he found another book with a bunny on it: the Playboy bunny. We have a copy of the Playboy Bartending Guide, and it has a nice Playboy bunny on the cover and, as Sacha pointed out to me, on the spine. Penis then went for the kill – the back cover has a nice silhouette of a naked lady in a martini glass. When Sacha wanted to know what that was, I just smiled and said a “madame”.
The Playboy bunny has become the prototypical bunny in Sacha’s mind, thanks to Penis’s efforts. He carries that 400 page book everywhere, demanding that I acknowledge his bunny about 500 times daily. I tried to hide the book, but the Penis-Brain duo of terror have made this highly improbable, as he has clearly placed a homing device on the bunny for emergency penile purposes.
I don’t know what I’ll do when he’s 15. Frickin frack.