Dearest Sleep Deities,
I would like to formally apologize for anything I may have ever done to offend you and cause you to want to send your wrath my way.
I am sorry for perpetually sleeping in every morning for 3 years in high school, thus making my mother late for work as she had to wait for me to preen my vain self before she could drive me to school. I feel greatly ashamed at the laughter I used to let loose whenever any of my friends talked about their babies who woke up at 5:00 am on a Saturday while I reveled in the splendor that is my feather bed until 1:00 pm. I am also embarrassed that I ever rebuked those who occasionally slipped their child some baby Benedryl before bed, or drank a sinful glass of
straight up scotch on the rocks wine before nursing, just to get a good night’s sleep. I cannot express how sorry I am for these atrocities.
With that being said, would you PLEASE restore the sleep I once had by helping Sacha sleep a) in his crib, b) more than 3 hours at a time, and c) later than 6:00 am every
damn blessed morning. If you would also be so kind as to consider my request to restore his normal nap patterns that we shared until last week, I would be forever greatful.
I remain yours respectfully, in perpetual awe and fear of you, oh mighty Sleep Deity.
PS – To the Sleep Goddess: You look fabulous. Have you lost weight?
PPS – It doesn’t hurt to sweeten the pot, right?