It has come to my attention in the past few days that we have come to a misunderstanding in terms of daytime sleep regiments. Both the preparatory exercises and the duration are becoming quite arduous and difficult to implement. Although you may think that you no longer require the same amount of day time rest as you once did, I feel that I should take this moment to remind you of the following
- When you don’t take your naps, you mistake cat litter for cookie crumbs, only to have it clump in your mouth and start expelling itself from your body.
- From 9:30 to 11 am, the only thing on TV are the Doodlebops and Barney, toward which you have clearly shown your distaste in the form of mass screeching and panic-ridden hammering of both the remote control and the power button on the telly.
- Mr Dash, your beloved yet tortured cat, enjoys a morning nap on the couch and regrets when he has to open a can of whoop-ass on you when you try and “cuddle” with him. If you let him have his nap, your head would not itch so much.
- Daddy is at work all day. He will not come home no matter how many times you try and dial the phone or kiss it. It is all very cute, but the ensuing wailing is not. Daddy’s return will seem so much faster if you sleep.
- Maman is very tired and gets really pissy when she does not get a morning nap. In fact, she often gets so pissy that she forgets to give you your morning snack, or something other than fruity cheerios for lunch.
In addition, let me sweeten the pot with these offers:
- I will continue to nurse you as long as you want, provided no one knows but us and you never ask me to make a YouTube video of our nursing sessions.
- I will let you eat ice cream for breakfast WITH oatmeal once a week.
- I will let you try and drive the car* (no specifics as to when).
- I will let you run around naked in the house and not get mad when you drop a bomb in the middle of your zoo play center.
- I will not bathe you unless absolutely necessary.
Please consider my request. I would very much like to reach an agreement before I run out of alcohol.