It seems lately that every convo I have lately involves the retelling of labour and delivery stories: tearing, stitching, barfing, the whole bit. Now, this is all fine and dandy if you are talking to a fellow mother. When conversing to a mother-to-be, I believe the following should be discussed and advised before she gets to the hospital:
1. DON’T bother bringing make-up to the hospital. Having a baby makes you feel beautiful (much like a cow feels beautiful), and you won’t need it.
2. DO buy extra large granny panties (about 10 per day for 14 days) for the post delivery fun times. These are never to be washed. That’s what garbages are for.
3. DO bring your own towels. Trying to dry yourself with what can only be described as a hanky is unpleasant at the best of times. Your next best thing – if you forget the large bath towels, you can use some of the granny panties.
4. DO bring munch-upons to the hospital. THe food is questionable at best, and not always conducive to nursing moms.
5. DON’T bother bringing your Enya CD, relaxation mix-tape, or BeeGees Number One Hits to soothe your way through the experience. You will understand later and thank me.
6. BROTH is not a food. The nurses may tell you is it, but they are lying. Throw rocks at them (or if possible, vomit on their shoes).
7. A BED PAN is not an appropriate receptacle for vomit. See item 6 for best disposal locations.
8. BREATHING and RELAXING through the pain is equivalent to banging your head on the corner of your coffee table when you have a migraine.
9. BRING warm fuzzy slippers. The floors are not only cold, but you have puked on them (again, see item 6).
10. WHINE, COMPLAIN, CRY, YELL, SCREAM all you want during and after (and anytime in the months and years to come). It’s your right as a mother.
11. You have no idea what’s going to hit you, and you wouldn’t want it any other way.
Oh – DO NOT tell them about the sleep thing. This is about post-baby sleep in general. No matter how much you warn, they will never fully understand until they get there and wade through the river styx themselves.